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someoneoutthere
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 Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 9:53 am Post subject: Martina on jokes |
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Hi,
as discussed in a previous topic, this one is about jokes. Let's share some!
Two white guys and a black guy (sorry for not properly naming..) are stranded on an island. After a few days, they start to get hungry. So, one of the white guys says "cut off a few fingers, we'll eat those". Of course, after another day, the hunger strikes again. The other white guy says "cut off my ears, we'll eat those". And yet the next day, hungry again. Two white guys looking at black guy, saying "your next dude". Black guy drops down his pants, and swings out his manhood. The two white guys start to smile, thinking, that'll be a good meal. Black guy say "hold up you hungry bastards, there is only some yoghourt on the menu today".
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Satch
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| Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 10:22 am Post subject: Re: Martina on jokes |
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| someoneoutthere wrote: | Hi,
as discussed in a previous topic, this one is about jokes. Let's share some!
Two white guys and a black guy (sorry for not properly naming..) are stranded on an island. After a few days, they start to get hungry. So, one of the white guys says "cut off a few fingers, we'll eat those". Of course, after another day, the hunger strikes again. The other white guy says "cut off my ears, we'll eat those". And yet the next day, hungry again. Two white guys looking at black guy, saying "your next dude". Black guy drops down his pants, and swings out his manhood. The two white guys start to smile, thinking, that'll be a good meal. Black guy say "hold up you hungry bastards, there is only some yoghourt on the menu today". |
 Is this based on a true story? 
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marcus
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| Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 11:19 am Post subject: |
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Ok seeing as Martina is my fave Essex Girl, heres my fave Essex Girl joke:
Q. What is an Essex Girl's favorite wine?
A. Aw take me to Lakeside pleeease !!!!
(You have to be from Essex to understand that one ) |
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bennie
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| Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 11:53 am Post subject: |
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| marcus wrote: | | (You have to be from Essex to understand that one ) |
OK I wait until Martina comes back .. |
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someoneoutthere
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| Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 1:05 pm Post subject: Re: Martina on jokes |
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| Satch wrote: | | someoneoutthere wrote: | Hi,
as discussed in a previous topic, this one is about jokes. Let's share some!
Two white guys and a black guy (sorry for not properly naming..) are stranded on an island. After a few days, they start to get hungry. So, one of the white guys says "cut off a few fingers, we'll eat those". Of course, after another day, the hunger strikes again. The other white guy says "cut off my ears, we'll eat those". And yet the next day, hungry again. Two white guys looking at black guy, saying "your next dude". Black guy drops down his pants, and swings out his manhood. The two white guys start to smile, thinking, that'll be a good meal. Black guy say "hold up you hungry bastards, there is only some yoghourt on the menu today". |
Is this based on a true story? |
Euh.....well, more on a preconception....
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Satch
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| Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2005 1:31 am Post subject: |
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Hey Martina do you know what's the difference between a "French Kiss" and an "Australian Kiss" 
An "Australian Kiss" is "Down Under". 
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MartinaWarren
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Joined: 22 Dec 2004
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| Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2005 1:34 am Post subject: |
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| Satch wrote: | Hey Martina do you know what's the difference between a "French Kiss" and an "Australian Kiss"
An "Australian Kiss" is "Down Under". |
Yum i like the sound of Australian  Where Rastus when you need him 
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rastus
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| Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2005 6:26 am Post subject: |
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| MartinaWarren wrote: | | Satch wrote: | Hey Martina do you know what's the difference between a "French Kiss" and an "Australian Kiss"
An "Australian Kiss" is "Down Under". |
Yum i like the sound of Australian Where Rastus when you need him |
busy practising for your 23rd  |
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MartinaWarren
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| Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2005 8:08 am Post subject: |
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| marcus wrote: | Ok seeing as Martina is my fave Essex Girl, heres my fave Essex Girl joke:
Q. What is an Essex Girl's favorite wine?
A. Aw take me to Lakeside pleeease !!!!
(You have to be from Essex to understand that one ) |
Thats not my fave wine (whine) btw
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MartinaWarren
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| Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2005 8:08 am Post subject: |
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| bennie wrote: | | marcus wrote: | | (You have to be from Essex to understand that one ) |
OK I wait until Martina comes back .. |
Lakeside is a shopping center in Essex
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MartinaWarren
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| Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2005 8:09 am Post subject: |
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| rastus wrote: |
busy practising for your 23rd |
 And here i was thinking that birthdays after 21 was useless 
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someoneoutthere
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| Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2005 12:53 pm Post subject: |
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Tell us a joke Martina!
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Satch
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| Posted: Fri Sep 02, 2005 2:59 am Post subject: |
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Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
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marcus
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| Posted: Fri Sep 02, 2005 1:22 pm Post subject: |
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Q. Why don't Essex girls use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth
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MartinaWarren
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| Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 1:42 am Post subject: |
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What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up
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Satch
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| Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 11:37 am Post subject: |
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| MartinaWarren wrote: | What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up |
Darn mine is all empty again.
I heard there's female hormone in beer!
This seems to be true since if you drink it:
- You start to talk non-sense
- You can't drive well anymore.
 j/k
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bennie
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| Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 11:43 am Post subject: |
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| Satch wrote: | | MartinaWarren wrote: | What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up |
Darn mine is all empty again.
I heard there's female hormone in beer!
This seems to be true since if you drink it:
- You start to talk non-sense
- You can't drive well anymore.
j/k |
LOL ..wise to add a j/k though  |
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someoneoutthere
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| Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 1:59 pm Post subject: |
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Nice jokes! Sorry, can't remember any jokes........ I really tried hard to think of one.
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marcus
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| Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 2:26 pm Post subject: |
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A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
St Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger"
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question, "Joanne have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and the girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies.."If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water...I want to do it before Lorraine sticks her arse in it!!"
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MartinaWarren
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| Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 5:02 pm Post subject: |
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Hahhaha, thats funny Marcus I like the way you also added in Romford too
Ok whats do men have in common with toliets?
They are either engaged, out of order or full of shit
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vector64
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| Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 7:36 pm Post subject: |
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Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an "F" in sex.
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MartinaWarren
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 4:53 am Post subject: |
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| vector64 wrote: | Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an "F" in sex. |
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marcus
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someoneoutthere
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 1:05 pm Post subject: |
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Looks better than the Dutch "Anita"...... (van sjonnie...je weet wel)
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MartinaWarren
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 5:15 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, Thats funny. I use to drink Diamond White too
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marcus
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| Posted: Wed Sep 07, 2005 2:33 pm Post subject: |
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Twas a sunny saturday in Swindon that day. A flock of pigeons flew over the Brunel centre, and families were chatting friendly in the streets. The old Chav from Penhill who works at Sainsburys was talking happily with his mates, and as it was saturday, there were no scummy students cluttering up the square.
Suddenly, a bright metallic blue Nova with a big f**k-off spoiler, burbery check on the under carriage, blacked out windows, and 'sweet ting' written on the back, blaring out disk 1 of Jungle Massive swings round the corner of the memorial on its way from Park North Estate. the car screeches through the high street, screeches round the corner at the Brunel centre, parks up on the pavement, and out climbs the driver.
A skinny, orange coloured 19-year old Chavette, wearing a pink velour jumpsuit with the burberry check in the hood, carrying a burberry handbag and walking arkwardly on her burberry shoes. Her hair is pulled back so severely her eyebrows are 3cms higher on her forhead than they should be. Followed by her are 20 little shaven headed scally kids, all donning red and white 5-panel nike hats and adidas fleece tracksuits and black reebok classics. She and her army of scally kids walk up to the dole-office.
She enters...
Dole officer - Can I help?
Chavette - yeah. I wanna soign on.
Dole officer - OK, how many kids have you got, ma'am?
Chavette - Err....20.
Dole officer - 20? Err.. OK, what are therir names?
Chavette - Err.... Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, and Kevin.
Dole officer - they're all called Kevin?
Chavette - yeah.
Dole officer - how can you manage?
Chavette - Oh it's easy. Whenever It's dinner, I just say Kevin! It's dinner. And they all come down for dinner. whever I want them out the house, I just say Kevin! Out the house, and they all fack off, and so on.
Dole officer - OK, I can see, it must save some time remembering names, but what if you want to call one of them individually?
Chavette - Oh, I just call them by their last names...
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bennie
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| Posted: Wed Sep 07, 2005 2:51 pm Post subject: |
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Nice one Marcus
..and the link earlier in this topic also very interesting  |
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marcus
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| Posted: Wed Sep 07, 2005 3:31 pm Post subject: |
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| bennie wrote: | Nice one Marcus
..and the link earlier in this topic also very interesting |
Thanks Bennie. I was afraid that only the Brits on the forum would understand it. I just love the intro it's hilarious and so sad but true. I hope it makes Martina smile |
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vector64
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| Posted: Wed Sep 07, 2005 10:38 pm Post subject: |
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With apologies to our gracious host, here's another blonde joke:
A young man is at a bus stop in New York. He sees an extremely beautiful blonde in a tight mini-skirt, and decides to get on the bus directly behind her. As the bus pulls up, she begins to board the bus, but cannot make the first step with her mini zipped. She reaches behind her and undoes the zipper. Then she attempts to board the bus, and once again she fails in her attempt. She reaches behind her once more and undoes the same zipper. She tries again to board the bus, and again she fails in her attempts. The young man finally decides just to lift her into the bus.
When he lifts her she yells, “Don't get fresh with me!”
The young man just looks at her and says, “Lady you've just undone my zipper twice, and now you say that I'm getting fresh with you!”
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someoneoutthere
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| Posted: Thu Sep 08, 2005 1:37 pm Post subject: |
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