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Aaron_Thom
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 Posted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 4:20 pm Post subject: What do you guys think |
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I've been slowly writing these poems and I just wanted to see what you all think of this one:
The Moon
When Light is spoken many depict the Sun
Warm Days, Beautiful Sunrise and Sunset
A Glorious sight to behold.
But there is another form of light
One that Shines through the Dark
The Moon
It Pale glow has always been feared
But why is it feared
The Moon is also a sight to behold
When the nights are Dark the Moon shines
When lost and alone the Moon is there
Shining and Breaking through the Darkness
Not even the Stars shine so bright
We see the Stars
The Stars point the Way
Can Lead us Home
But the Moon
Even on cold winter nights
The Moon is there
When there is fear
The Moon is there
And when alone in the Dark
The Moon is There!
This one of 8 poems I've written. So Again what do you guys think?
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Last edited by Aaron_Thom on Mon Nov 09, 2009 4:49 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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cheesecaked
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| Posted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 4:34 pm Post subject: |
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you lost me there with your young lingo. lol Just kidding
I think it was very nice.
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xivk
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| Posted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 4:43 pm Post subject: |
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*snap,snap*
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relentless
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| Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2009 12:27 am Post subject: |
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read the poem with big ass full moon shining through the window *sniff, wipes tear from eye* that was beautiful *looks around* i mean, yeah it was ok
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Caroline
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Joined: 22 Dec 2008
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| Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2009 8:42 am Post subject: |
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((Well, you asked for it AaronThom...
...
...
...
...
It's kinda lame. It's the kinda "goth-poetry" you get from the "I'm-so-goth-it-hurts" people that bother the crap outta me. It's just prose. I flippin hate prose. Prose, to me, is just sentances the writer can't figure out how to finish.
As an odd aside, I like rhymed and metered poetry. Ever actually try to write something that has rhyme and meter? It's freaking hard! Seuss was a genious at it.
Back on topic, I hate to say it, but it doesn't seem like you put any work into it at all. Just "oh look, it's the moon, and the moon glows".
The moon has, symbolically, always been a mixed blessing. Everyone takes lovers walks under the moonlight, or sat on the roof staring off into a full moon... but the moon also seems sinster as it comes out at night in the darkness, can "hide" behind clouds, and slowly eats itself as the month goes on. Witches and shapechangers are powered by the moon, as are... "womanly cycles".
In the say way, the sun is also, oddly, a mixed blessing as well. It lights the day, but it is also a harsh, severe master. You can look at the moon in wonderous awe, but so great is the power of the sun that you cannot look at it directly without it burning you... very biblical powers.
Anyway, please keep trying. I hope I wasn't too harsh, but... being goth I have to put up with a lot of bad poetry.)) |
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Aaron_Thom
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Jerin Nekros
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| Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2009 6:36 pm Post subject: |
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Its a nice start. Given time i think you'll do great! And being a fellow goth, I have to agree with Caroline on the crappy goth poetry point, though i don't really think this falls into that category.
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Talitha
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| Posted: Wed Nov 11, 2009 5:07 am Post subject: |
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| I'm not trying to be nasty but your poem is rather basic. You over use the word moon. Try to use different names; Luna, Seleni or other terms used by other cultures. |
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relentless
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Talitha
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| Posted: Wed Nov 11, 2009 8:45 am Post subject: |
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| relentless wrote: | | hehe nothing like a bit of poetry to get the goths to stick their heads over the parapet |
Oh come on, everyone has some poetry in their soul. I have never seen a Goth start a bar fight yet. Though they did sack Rome or was that the vandals?  |
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Jerin Nekros
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| Posted: Wed Nov 11, 2009 8:53 am Post subject: |
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| Talitha wrote: | | relentless wrote: | | hehe nothing like a bit of poetry to get the goths to stick their heads over the parapet |
Oh come on, everyone has some poetry in their soul. I have never seen a Goth start a bar fight yet. Though they did sack Rome or was that the vandals? |
If i remember correctly the vandals were goths 
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dragonfly
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Aaron_Thom
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Talitha
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| Posted: Wed Nov 11, 2009 10:21 am Post subject: |
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| Jerin Nekros wrote: | | Talitha wrote: | | relentless wrote: | | hehe nothing like a bit of poetry to get the goths to stick their heads over the parapet |
Oh come on, everyone has some poetry in their soul. I have never seen a Goth start a bar fight yet. Though they did sack Rome or was that the vandals? |
If i remember correctly the vandals were goths |
I thought it was a group of effervescent group of people known as the Visigoths.  |
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Jerin Nekros
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| Posted: Wed Nov 11, 2009 11:03 am Post subject: |
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| Talitha wrote: | | Jerin Nekros wrote: | | Talitha wrote: | | relentless wrote: | | hehe nothing like a bit of poetry to get the goths to stick their heads over the parapet |
Oh come on, everyone has some poetry in their soul. I have never seen a Goth start a bar fight yet. Though they did sack Rome or was that the vandals? |
If i remember correctly the vandals were goths |
I thought it was a group of effervescent group of people known as the Visigoths. |
Goths was the name for the people as a whole. Vandals and Visigoths were specific tribes.
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My Fursona(updates occasionally) http://forums.pleasurebonbon.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=7537
"Revenge is a dish that is best served cold. It is very cold in space." - Khan (Ricardo Montalban) Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan |
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Talitha
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| Posted: Wed Nov 11, 2009 2:04 pm Post subject: |
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I know! just trying to inject some humor, and failing.  |
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Jerin Nekros
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| Posted: Wed Nov 11, 2009 2:08 pm Post subject: |
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| Talitha wrote: | | I know! just trying to inject some humor, and failing. |
that and my mind's taking history a little to seriously atm XD I just got done with my midterm last week.
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"Revenge is a dish that is best served cold. It is very cold in space." - Khan (Ricardo Montalban) Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan |
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cheesecaked
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| Posted: Wed Nov 11, 2009 2:32 pm Post subject: |
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you tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is never to try." – Homer Simpson lol "Just kidding"
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How dare they use casment window designs,
it's so last century ಠ_ರೃ
◕ ◡ ◕
"I'm gonna miss all the things we'll never do.
I just can't believe you left me here alone,
How in this world can I make it on my own?" |
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relentless
Rank: Veteran
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Posts: 728
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| Posted: Wed Nov 11, 2009 10:01 pm Post subject: |
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| Talitha wrote: | | relentless wrote: | | hehe nothing like a bit of poetry to get the goths to stick their heads over the parapet |
Oh come on, everyone has some poetry in their soul. I have never seen a Goth start a bar fight yet. Though they did sack Rome or was that the vandals? |
thankfully sports and video games have all but done away with any poetry that ever resided in my soul, luckily my sense of humour remains in tact
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